


asters & acceptance

by biggest_of_uwus



Category: All Time Low (Band)
Genre: F/M, Gay Male Character, LGBT, LGBTQ, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, i really dont know what i'm doing please
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-02-23 08:08:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23708347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/biggest_of_uwus/pseuds/biggest_of_uwus
Summary: Jack Barakat has kept the fact he's gay a secret from his bandmates and most people in his life. He plans to keep it that way until absolutely necessary.
Relationships: Alex Gaskarth & Zack Merrick, Alex Gaskarth/Lisa Ruocco, Jack Barakat & Alex Gaskarth, Jack Barakat & Rian Dawson, Jack Barakat & Zack Merrick, Jack Barakat/Original Male Character(s), Rian Dawson & Alex Gaskarth, Rian Dawson & Zack Merrick
Comments: 14
Kudos: 19





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> tw: homophobic language, self-deprecating language, food, self harm, hospitals, alcohol abuse,

Jack felt the warmth of the sun on his face, lazily basking in the dream he just had. Even though it was odd for the time of year, the cozy glow felt nice. He had just spent new years in LA instead of Baltimore, having a small house party with friends. Though if he was being honest, he missed the cold out in Maryland.

All Time Low had been going over marketing strategies for  _ Wake Up, Sunshine _ , which was going to be released in early April. He really liked the album, and it felt good being able to write some songs on it. It reminded him of  _ Nothing Personal _ in a way, back when he felt like there weren’t a billion expectations on him, and he was just able to hang out with his friends. The wave of nostalgia and good memories from the beginnings of the band felt like a nice change of pace from the usual stressing about everything and loneliness Jack normally felt when he woke up.

The band had a marketing meeting in a couple days over a facetime call to make sure everyone knew the rules of what they could and couldn’t do on social media. Jack wished that it could've been in person because he still had Christmas presents for each band member.

Jack had bought Rian some tickets to some country artist he liked's show, and he got Zack a replica of his first skateboard. Jack had even gone to a skate shop to get the bearings and wheels he knew Zack liked.

Then there was Alex's gift.

It was a lot more sentimental (and he combined it with Alex's birthday present, 'cause Jack knew he could never top this present). After going through their old high school band stuff, he found some pictures and the original papers that had a bunch of lyrics from  _ Three Words  _ and  _ The Party Scene  _ on them. He'd been lucky finding some notes they passed in middle school when they had first met. Jack even took a scrapbooking class to put everything together. Outside of All Time Low and WhoHurtYou’s music, it was probably the thing Jack was proudest of making. 

Jack wanted to give them out in person, so he decided it was best to wait until the end of the month when they had three shows and the announcement of their first single off of WUS, “Some Kind of Disaster”.

He decided to get up from basking in the sun like a cat and go make some breakfast. He grabbed some cereal and milk and sat down. Though, instead of pouring the sugary food out, he sat still, staring into the cup.

_ You need to tell them sometime, _ he thought.  _ They’re gonna notice if you don't at least hide it. _

Jack hated how much he hated being gay. Sure , he was fine with other people being gay, but why him? He was known for being "the ladies man" of All Time Low , but that was half marketing, half insecurities that he felt the need to hide using sex jokes and a constant reminder that he's definitely heterosexual. Sometimes he wished he could just be normal and get a girlfriend he actually loved. Sometimes he wished he could just stop being such a baby and come out or openly be with a guy, but no. He was a coward that would never be able to take the repercussions.

He snapped out of his thoughts once he felt his eyes sting. He brushed his hand over his eyes to notice he was crying. The voice in the back of his head was saying how weak he was. How much of a faggot he was. How nobody would ever love him. He knew it was all words from the past, but the past is hard to forget.

Jack wiped off the tears and poured out the cereal, focusing on the sweet nothing the walls offered.

Around noon of that day, Jack got an email from the band manager about the final parts of the “Sleeping In” music video. They had already filmed it all, but they wanted re-shoots of the relationship scenes for himself and Rian. Since it was a couple months before the release, they wanted the scenes done ASAP .

Jack emailed back, saying he was free anytime. He thought about how nobody bothered to invite him to anything unless it was with the band. Well, except for a couple of his girlfriends. They knew he was gay since they all met, and though he felt like the token "gay best friend," it was nice having people to hang around with.

He texted Sky and Julie in their group chat.

hey I'm bored

Skyla: Hi bored I'm Dad 😁

Julie: noooo stoppppp

Skyla: Ha! Never! 😋

Julie: shut uppp

ok so should i just text bree instead? cause y'all aren't paying attention to me

Julie: oh sorry jack!! what's up?

i'm lonely :(

Skyla: I know. When are you going to get a boyfriend?

I'M NOT LONELY IN THAT SAY (i mean honestly i am all the time) I MEAN I WANT TO GO OUT AND DO SOMETHING UGHH

*way

Julie: rip. anyway, what do you want to do? i'm free for the rest of today

Skyla: Same! 😙

wtf is with you and emojis??

maybe we can go get some luch and chill?

*launch

*lunch

Julie: i thought gays were supposed to be bad at math not english

this is homophobia! slander! i will not stand for it!

Skyla: I mean, you're bad at both Jack.

bullying!!!

Julie: ok whatever. can we meet at this new place called veg out? i was recommended it a little bit ago and it's a vegan cafe/ lounge/ coffee shop

but i want meat

Skyla: Horny Jack returns!!

no he doesn't!! jk, he's always here. but i guess we can go. what time?

Skyla: Maybe 1:45?

Julie: that's in 30 minutes wtf

i mean, i'm hungry

Julie: whatever you want princess

now i'm horny

Julie: JACK NO

Skyla: Ew Jack. Anywho, i'll meat (haha) you guys there!

ok, see ya! XOXO

Julie: c u fuckers in a bit

Jack plugged his phone in and went to get changed. He threw on his usual black jeans, white Britney Spears tee-shirt, and a black sweater.

He did his hair quickly and threw on a dress coat and combat boots. It was 1:37. He got an Uber, which took ten minutes to reach the cafe. Sky and Julie were waiting for him at the entrance.

"Took you long enough," Julie said as the three of them walked in.

"I'm-" Jack began, looking down at his watch, "three minutes late. That’s not too bad." He slumped a bit, weighted by all the times people had said how annoying it was that he was late to everything.

"Don't worry, I was only joking!" Julie responded. Jack perked back up, throwing on a half-smile so he wouldn't worry anyone.

"Guys!" Sky piped up. "What are you planning on getting?"

Jack surveyed the chalkboard where everything was written in green and white chalk. There were falafel bites, spicy lettuce wraps, vegan "wake up" burgers with fake eggs and bacon, double chocolate cookies, and a lot more. One thing caught his eye: cauliflower tacos.

"I think the cauliflower tacos sound good to me," he said.

"I'm gonna get a salad and the grilled tofu skewers," Sky commented cheerily.

"I don't know if the lettuce wraps or the chia bowl sound better," Julie said

"Just get both," Jack replied. "I can pay, it's all good!" He still felt bad about being late, and anyway, he was a famous musician, why not pay for their meals?

"Yay! Thanks, Jack!" Sky practically screamed.

"Hush your mouth, Sky. I don't wanna get kicked out of here, it's amazing," Julie continued. "Also, you don't need to spend more on me, Jack."

"It’s alright," he said. "I should be thanking you two for coming with me!"

The three friends walked up to the counter to order, and Jack took notice of the cashier .

_ Oh no, he's hot! _ Jack cringed at himself. The cashier was shorter than him but lean and slightly muscular. He had wavy, nicely styled dark hair that went to his ears, perfectly framing his face. His eyes were two different colors, one was blue and the other was brown, which definitely caught Jack's attention.

His whole demeanor was very nice. He was wearing a black dress shirt beneath his light green sweater and his white apron. The apron, aside from his name tag which read "Bailey," had an assortment of buttons and pins. Jack recognized a few. One was a gay flag, another a trans flag, then Jake from  _ Adventure Time _ , a flower, an MCR pin, and Jack Skellington.

He felt a nudge and snapped out of his trance. "Hm?" he questioned.

"It’s your turn to order," Julie said.

Jack could feel heat prickling under his eyes. "Oh, um, could I have, uh, the tacos please?"

Bailey nodded, smiling. Jack could see his cheeks start to turn ruddy as well. "What would you like the name of the order to be under?"

"Jack."

"Got it!" Bailey paused, looking like he was forgetting something. "Oh! I'm sorry, would you like drinks?"

"I'll have a water," Julie said.

"Strawberry smoothie," Sky said. "Please, and thank you!"

"I'll have whatever you like best." Jack hadn't thought to get a drink, but oh well, at least he could get to know the cute cashier better.

Jack paid, leaving a large tip, and the group sat down at one of the couches. He sat almost as if he was in a trance, staring at the wall in front of him.  _ You can't like him, _ He thought to himself.  _ You can't do this right now. _

He was only snapped out of his daze when he heard Julie say, "I think Jack likes someone."


	2. Chapter 2

The group found the rest of the time at veg out to be really chill and nice. Jack even got Bailey's number, which he had written on the side of Jack’s cup. He picked the cafe's homemade limeade (which Jack thought was almost as good as White Claw ). Soon, it was time for the three friends to leave, and they split in different directions after saying their goodbyes.

As soon as Jack walked into his apartment, he got a call from the label.

“Hello Jack, this is Eric Carter from Fuelled by Ramen…”

It was about the “Sleeping In” music video again. Apparently, Jack didn't have enough chemistry with the actress to make it  _ look _ or  _ feel _ right.  _ Just another thing I fucked up _ , Jack thought. _ Maybe if it was a guy, it would feel right _ . If it was a guy, it would’ve definitely felt right, though he wished that wasn’t the case. 

The call ended, and they scheduled the reshoot for the upcoming Friday. During the call, Jack had contemplated asking if Bailey could take the new actress’ place but realized he would have needed to ask Bailey in the first place. Or text him.

Jack decided he was going to text Bailey later when he was sure he had gotten out of work. Or should he?  _ Maybe not _ , Jack reasoned  _ I might seem to come on too strong, or just seem creepy. Everyone says I'm creepy, so maybe I won't.  _ He put the cup on his kitchen counter and stripped down to his underwear to lay in bed.

After about an hour of scrolling mindlessly through social media, Jack got a call from Alex.  _ Oh god. Just what I want right now. This is great, _ he thought to himself.  _ Maybe I just shouldn't answer it and play it off like I'm asleep. _ Jack decided to do that because ignoring the problem is a lot easier than actually dealing with it.

After the phone stopped ringing, it started right back up again.

“Alex, you’d better stop, or I'll snap my phone in half!” Jack shouted at his phone, dreading having to speak to Alex, or anybody for that matter.

After the ringing stopped, there was a text from Alex.

Alex: i know you’re awake dickwad, answer the phone

Jack sighed and got up to go to his bathroom.  _ Time for plan b then _ . He turned his shower on and slouched down to the floor. This time when the phone started ringing, Jack answered.

“I’m in the shower, you asshole.” Jack tried to sound annoyed rather than empty. “Can I please shower in peace?”

“Jack, you were just on Twitter liking photos, so unless you’re drinking _ and _ using your phone in the shower, you’re lying,” Alex said with annoyance in his voice, which just made Jack feel worse.

“Okay, fine! You win!” Jack just wanted to be left alone. “What do you want?” He knew he was being annoying, and it felt like his body was getting heavier with every second Alex didn’t respond. The seconds seemed to turn into hours as Jack started to shrink into himself. “Sorry,” Jack eventually mumbled.

“Okay, cool. Now that you’re not being a complete ass, production called me earlier about your part being off. I was gonna just check in and see if you had it sorted out, but guessing by the fact that you’re lying to get out of talking to me, I bet you didn’t.” 

“I did-” Jack tried to interrupt, only to be cut off.

“No, Jack. Listen, I know you’re all goofy and fun and flirty, and that's great! Good for you!” 

Jack's head began hurting, and he felt like he was about to puke. He tried to stop Alex again to no avail. 

“But you’re not a child! You’re 31 fucking years old for Christ’s sake. This album, the marketing, the videos, it has to be as good as it can get because of how much people didn’t like  _ Last Young Renegade _ . You can’t drag the whole band down with you because you just can't decide to be a functioning member of society! All the shit that happened last year with you that we had to clean up? News-fucking-flash, it hurts our reputation!” 

Jack was shaking. He had himself muted on the call so Alex wouldn't hear him sobbing.  _ Since when did Alex care about reputation? What happened to “not believing in saints”? Why couldn't Alex just listen to him? Why couldn't Alex just listen to him? Why couldn't Alex just lis- _

“Jack, are you even fucking listening? I know I’m being harsh, but you had to hear this sooner or later. Maybe go get a girlfriend to fucking chill you out. Please, just do your job. Goodbye.”

The phone clicked off, leaving Jack on his bathroom floor, hiccuping from crying so hard. His eyes stung, and his arms were red hot from scratching them. 

There had to be a reason Alex was being like that, they’re  _ Alex and Jack _ ,  _ Jack and Alex _ , the best friends in the world. Jack hated that he had to be business partners with his best friends. Sure, most of the time, it was fun. They got along, but it felt like that thing people would say about working with family, or more never working with family.

  
Of course, Alex had to bring up his lack-of-girlfriend too, which just made him retreat further into the closet.  _ It’s my fault, _ Jack thought. This  _ is the kind of thing I do. It wouldn’t be uncommon for Alex to believe that. If I had just picked up the phone the first time, I wouldn't be here. If I had a girlfriend, I’d be so much better.  _ He laid down on the floor, repeating all the same things in his head until he fell asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> big trigger warning for alcohol/ alcohol abuse in this one

Jack woke up to a face full of humidity and a sore back. He got up slowly so he wouldn’t get too dizzy and fall over. He reached in the shower and turned off the water, then went and turned on the fan and lights. He put down the toilet lid in his half-asleep daze and sat down, knees curled up into his chest. 

As the fog in the bathroom dispersed, Jack slowly came back to his senses, remembering what had happened the day before. 

He checked his phone for the time. It was 8am. Pretty early for Jack, as he normally would wake up around 11. He looked up into the mirror to see his face so red and puffy it looked like he was sunburnt. His arms were bright red and were burning. He didn’t care much, though.

Jack left the bathroom and grabbed a big tee-shirt, then went to look through his cabinets for food. He found one of his favorite granola bars and slid himself to the floor to eat it. He took a bite, but it tasted like cardboard. He spit it out and tossed it into the trash, then stood up and went to his wine cooler, grabbing a lime White Claw. 

His head was spinning with a million thoughts, but he couldn't decipher a single one, leaving him just wanting to feel nothing. So that’s what he did.

It was 11 am, and Jack was completely buzzed when he got a text from Julie in the group chat:

-

Julie: you guys up for doing something fun today?

Kayla: i’m free today!

Noelle: If y’all are going then I’ll go!!

Bree: i’ll check my scedule

Bree: *schedule

Bree: i’m good

Skyla: I’ll see if I can get another long lunch break! 

Julie: we can plan it later so you don’t get in trouble with your boss sky

Skyla: It’s fineeeee!

Julie: no!! i’m not letting you get fired. Is everyone else fine with later?

Noelle: yep!!

Bree: where’s jack?

Kayla: yeah he’s normally all here for outings

Julie: i can call him, he might still be asleep

M nosleee

Skyla: Jack? Are you okay?

Skyla: Jack??

Julie: i’m gonna call him

Nnnoo

-

Jack’s phone started ringing. He stared at it, still thinking about what happened with Alex. “Fuckit,” he slurred and answered the phone, putting it on speaker.

“Jack? Are you there? What’s going on?” Julie's voice rang through the speakers, but all Jack could think was _ Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex. _

“Alex izat you?” he said. He knew it wasn’t Alex, but the only words Jack could think were _ Alex hates me, Alex thinks I’m a child, Alex thinks I’m a burden, Alex thinks I’m worthless, Alex, Alex, Alex. _ Then he started crying again. “He hates me, he hates me, he hates me, he ha-”

“Jack, this is Julie, I'm coming over right now, stay on the phone with me.” Julie's voice cut through Jack's thoughts, and he sat silent. “Jack? Jack, are you still there?”

“Mhm,” Jack responded. “m drunk.”

“I can tell, Jack. What did you drink?” She said calmly. Jack thought it sounded nice.

“Your voice’s nice, you shoulbe a singer.” As soon as he thought ‘singer’, it sent him spiraling again. “Burden, burden, burren, berren, ber-”

“You’re not a burden, Jack. You’re one of my best friends. Please tell me what you had to drink.” 

Jack looked around. The coffee table had an empty bottle of rose and four cans of White Claw “Bottlea rose ‘n four whit caw.” He heard Julie swearing softly through the phone. 

“D’you hate me?” he asked, but didn’t wait for her answer when he said, “Lex hatesme, I loved hm! He callme a child ‘n said m bringin the ban down with me.” He started crying again. “I loved him! Buh noo, he’s straight! N he said I shoget a girfrend n I cried n I’m pthetic.”

“Jack, I don’t hate you, I don’t think Alex does either. I’m going to be there in one minute, can you tell me about…  _ Home Alone _ ?” She tried to get him off the topic of Alex as she reached his apartment complex. 

“Lex used to watch on tour wif me.” Jack tried to imagine happy memories, but they were all plagued with the sound of Alex yelling at him. Normally, Jack was a happy drunk, and all of his problems would go away as he got more and more hammered, but not this time.

“Jack, I’m coming inside right now, okay?” Julie unlocked the door with her spare key and opened it to find Jack sitting on the floor in front of his couch, his eyes bloodshot and puffy, and his arms bleeding. He looked panicked, but he was breathing really slowly. “Oh shit!” 

She hung up the call with Jack and ran towards him. He tried to stand up as she came closer, but she pushed him back down and checked his pulse. She fumbled with her phone, dialing 911, waiting for the operator to pick up.

“Shit.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! I'm thinking of adding other ships like remdy, Ryan Seaman/Josh Katz and possibly Awsten Knight/original male character. It'll stay Jack-centric, but I'm gay and I want more gay™.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edited and beta read!!
> 
> tws: hospitals, suicide attempt, self harm, drug use (anesthesia)

Jack slowly opened his eyes, adjusting bright lights and confused as to where he was. He looked around trying to find the familiar high walls and lava lamps in his bedroom when it all clicked.  _ I’m in a hospital _ .

Suddenly, it felt like all of his senses went into overdrive. He noticed the tube down his throat, which was uncomfortable and itchy, and how bad his arms burned. 

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Julie, who looked like she’d been crying.  _ Did I do something _ ? he thought to himself. He could barely remember anything that had happened the day before, but going off of his surroundings, he guessed he tried to kill himself.

Jack tried to sit up, which got the attention of a nearby nurse, who started bombarding him with questions and information.

“...Pump your stomach… BAC of 0.28… barely breathing...”

Jack tried to tune it all out and signed all of the paperwork he was given. After the nurse left, he turned to Julie, who now looked more awake.

“You can’t just do that,” she said, eyes glossy.

Jack tried to ask what happened, but quickly realized he couldn't talk due to the ventilator. Julie seemed to catch on and gave him a pen and paper.

“What happened,” she read out loud. “You- I- I went to your apartment, and you were sitting on the floor, almost passed out, with four empty cans of White Claw and an empty bottle of rose sitting in front of you. Your arms were all scratched so hard you were bleeding, and- and it looked like you’d been crying non-stop.” She seemed to be annoyed but mainly looked concerned and sad.

“You- you were barely breathing, and your heart was beating so fast, and there were so many things happening. I had to call 911, and you apparently hadn’t eaten for a day, and you kept saying how everybody hates you, and it was so fucking scary.” She took a breath, tears falling down her face at this point. 

Jack reached for the notepad and wrote ‘I’m sorry.’ Julie looked at it and started crying harder. She didn't say anything else. Jack looked back at the paper and wrote ‘can you please not tell anyone about this?’ Julie looked back at it, silently mouthing the words and nodded. They sat in silence until the doctor came in.

The doctor said that Jack would be able to leave late that day, which he learned was January third. She also said that Jack’s breathing had stabilized fairly quickly, so they were going to put him under to remove the tube. He pretty much blocked out everything else from that point forward.

While Julie texted the group chat, informing everyone that Jack was okay, Jack emailed the label saying that they would have to use the original footage, as he was in the hospital. They emailed back quickly saying they understood, and had PR manning his social media to make sure all of the stuff for the band was posted until he was out of the hospital.

The same doctor from before came back in, saying that his BAC was back to a normal level, so they could put him under and take out his breathing tube. Soon, Jack was laying back, listening to the anesthesiologist count back from ten until everything faded out of focus.

-

Jack came back to his senses a couple of hours later, but everything felt like it was wrapped in a giant, warm blanket. Every step to Julie’s car felt cushy to him, and it seemed like his vision was faded.

“Jack, put your seatbelt on,” Julie said, holding in a laugh at how spacey and cheery Jack seemed.

“I’m-” Jack started laughing, unable to finish his sentence as he took out his phone. Julie didn’t notice what he was doing until it was too late. “Hi Alex!” Jack said, half giggling.

“Jack, no. Put your phone away.” Julie pulled over, trying to get the phone from him.

“Jack, it’s seven, I'm eating dinner. Couldn’t you have called earlier? Also, what's going on?” Alex seemed nicer than the day before, or maybe it was the anesthesia. 

Julie was still trying to take the phone from him as Jack answered, still laughing. “It’s only four! What are you talking about? And Julie’s here with me!” Jack pulled away from the phone, putting it on speaker. “Julie, say hi!”

“Hello, Alex.” Julie sighed. Jack gave her the phone, leaving Julie grateful that she could get out of whatever was about to happen before it started.

“I have so many questions right now,” Alex said through the phone. “Why do you sound high? Why are you with Julie, and why is she driving?” 

Jack started laughing again, unable to answer Alex, which left Julie to answer the questions for him

“Technically, he is high. I’m with him ‘cause he needs someone to drive him home, which is also why I’m driving.” She tried to keep it vague, as Jack should be able to tell Alex everything if he wanted. “Anyway, sorry about that. We’re gonna go now, nice talking to you.”

“Now I have more quest-”

Julie hung up, only to receive a pout from Jack.

“Are you jealous of Alex? ‘Cause you’re cute, but I’m gay.” He started giggling again. “But you’re a better friend than him! A while ago I woulda said it was Alex, but you’re my new favorite!” Julie smiled at that. As sad as it made her that Alex and Jack were getting distant, it still felt good to feel needed.

“I’m not jealous of Alex. I’m just telling you this ‘cause I don’t think you’ll remember, but I’m gay too.” She glanced over at Jack, who somehow looked surprised. “What, was I that good at hiding it?”

“I- I thought you only became friends with me for the ‘GBF’ thing!” Jack said, still cheery but sappier than before.

The two friends continued to talk until they reached Jack’s apartment. As much as Julie wanted to stay in the closet, she wished Jack would somehow remember their conversation. Jack still felt like he was on cloud 9, but he could feel the anesthesia starting to wear off. He hopped out of Julie’s car, giving her a big hug and promising hourly updates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo!! i think i'm gonna stick to a schedule where i post every monday! i have a few other things i'm working on right now, so i'll see if i can get those posted/ updated too!! i really enjoyed writing this chapter, anesthesia is always a fun time (for me i get really tired, but this is based off of my brother when he was on anesthesia). thank you so much for reading!! also a huge thank you to satellites_and_stars, who is an amazing writer, and beta read this!!
> 
> -cloud


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, thank you so much for reading!!
> 
> tw: homophobic language, mentions of alcohol and drugs (anesthesia)

Jack walked up the stairs to where his apartment was and went in. It seemed like someone had cleaned up the empty cans and bottles of alcohol. The cup with Bailey's number was luckily still there. He picked it up and entered the number into his phone.

* * *

hey, is this bailey?

Bailey?: yeah! Is this the guy from the cafe?

yeah! my name is jack in case you wanted that

Bailey: you look like a jack, or like you would have some uncharacteristically nerdy name like albert or simon

i've never heard that before, but i'm glad you think i'm cool

Bailey: i never said that

aww :(

Bailey: ok maybe you're cool, but thats just because my favorite animated character is jack skellington

i didn't even-

Bailey: ???

it didn't even register when i saw your pin that i have a jack skellington tattoo

Bailey: i think i love you

wow, that fast?? i love you too then

also, i haven't even said anything about your name, bailey is such a cool name

Bailey: thank you?

Bailey: most people just say it's a girly name

names have no gender?

Bailey: that's historically incorrect, but currently correct

Bailey: also i think my brother will love you

not as much as you love me??

Bailey: never, you're now mine and only mine

Bailey: hey also, do you want to grab lunch tomorrow?

yeah, i'd love that!

* * *

Jack was pulled out of the conversation when his phone started ringing. He started panicking, thinking it was Bailey, who he didn't want to embarass himself on the phone to. He sighed in relief when he saw it was Julie.

"You promised hourly updates!" Julie half-yelled through the phone, but Jack was so happy after talking to Bailey, he wasn't as unnerved by Julie's critical tone.

"Sorry! I was finally talking to Bailey. I'm going to lunch with him tomorrow!"

"I'm so happy for you! How are you feelin' 'sthesia wise?" Julie said in a bad southern accent, making Jack laugh.

"I think all the effects are gone now," Jack said once he finished laughing. "I'm gonna grab something for dinner. Thank you so much for being here for me."

"Why wouldn't I help you, you're my best friend! And how could I miss a chance of seeing you go crazy on laughing gas," Julie said.

"You're gonna have to tell me what I did over lunch or something," Jack said. "Shoot- lunch, Bailey, gotta go, love you!"

"Bye Jack, love you too."

This was the best Jack had felt in weeks. He grabbed a cup of ramen from the cabinet and set it in the microwave. He opened his texts to Bailey back up.

* * *

Bailey: do you have a place in mind or a time?

Bailey: also i'm not vegan, i work there because it's my aunt's place, so we don't need to go to a vegan place if you're not

Bailey: not vegan

Bailey: jack? Where'd you go?

Bailey: jaaaaaacccccckkk

sorry i had to talk to my friend

Bailey: it's ok, i'm a bit clingy

i am too, don't worry

and there's a ramen place a friend of a friend owns, should we go there?

Bailey: sounds good to me, i love ramen!

do you have a time you want to go?

Bailey: any time is fine for me!

okay, 1ish then?

Bailey: i need the location

oh sorrry! here you go [link]

*sorry

Bailey: it's a date?

it's a date!

see you tomorrow <3

Bailey: oh we're using myspace hearts

says the guy with the mcr pin

Bailey: touche, bye!! <3

* * *

Jack walked into his bedroom, setting the ramen on his nightstand and flopped onto his bed. He stared up at the ceiling with a huge smile stretched across his face, hands clasped around his phone on his chest. He still had the nagging voice of his ex in his ear, telling him how much of a fag he was and that nobody would love him, but it was quieter.

He never told anyone about what exactly went down between him and his ex. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> huge shout out to Satellites_and_Stars, who beta read this! also, the next chapter will be all flashbacks, so that'll be a trip. as short as this chapter is, i really like it! i don't know why i write so much angst when its so fun and uplifting writing fluff, but i guess that's just how i am. 
> 
> also! please comment if you'd like this to go the "quarantine" route or "the virus isn't real" route? (i'm leaning towards quarantine, but i'd like to see what everyone else thinks!)
> 
> thank you so much for reading!!   
> -cloud


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this whole chapter is pretty much a flashback/ flashbacks
> 
> tw: abuse

Back in 2017, he had his first real relationship since Holly.

With Holly, it just felt like a publicity thing to Jack. Most of the time they were together, it was almost like they were hanging out as friends. One of the only things different from just being friends was that Jack would act almost like a therapist to her. He knew how horrible executives and everyone with power could be about public image, and he knew reality stars had it even worse than him. At the end of the day, they both knew there was no spark between them, and they broke up.

In 2017, however, Jack started dating a girl named Payton. Around this time, Jack thought he was bi or pan and was accepting the fact he was into guys. He had been sleeping around with guys and girls for a while, which happened to start with Alex. Jack was always saying he wasn’t ‘a relationship guy’ up until he met her.

They met how Jack met anyone else, and Jack planned on their relationship being like almost every other one he'd had over the past five-ish years. Payton, however, didn't plan on that.

After the day they met up (and slept together), Payton wouldn't stop talking to Jack. They grew closer, like friends-with-benefits, except Jack knew he didn't feel anything with her. Payton stuck with him, though, like a fly in honey.

For the first couple of weeks, Jack felt like everything about the relationship was forced, but he went along with it, craving a real connection with someone. Looking back, Jack knew that the worst part of knowing the past is knowing how everything ends, and not being able to do anything about it.

It was just after Jack’s birthday when Payton met his family. His mom and dad loved her and were beyond ecstatic that Jack was in a relationship. Joe was practically indifferent, just being chill and polite to her, as he would with anyone else. May knew something was up. She talked to Jack alone, telling him she thought Payton seemed controlling, and she could tell he didn’t want to be in the relationship. Jack waved it off, happy that the relationship was making most of his family happy.

It was a few months earlier when the band met her. When Zack told Jack they seemed a bit off together, he pushed that off too, saying it was because the relationship was so new. Alex and Rian felt the same, Jack could see it in their eyes, but they didn't say anything. 

The longer they dated, the less Jack realized what was happening. Every time Jack got new clothes, she had to approve them. Whenever he was calling anyone, she had to give an okay so they could talk. When he was talking to new people, she had to say if they would be “good friends” or not. It got to the point that on tour, Jack would call her to make almost any decision. Without her, he felt like he couldn't get anything right.

Towards the beginning of 2018, Jack told her that he was going to come out as bi with the release of the ‘Everything is Pride’ merch. He hadn’t come out to anyone before that and didn't even realize he had just come out to Payton until she started yelling at him. Slurs and profanities were pouring out of her mouth, and she began shoving and hitting him. He stood there, letting it happen. 

Jack had never seen Payton being homophobic to anyone, so he rationalized that it was him that was in the wrong. He wasn’t good enough, or he wasn’t supposed to be gay, or he deserved what was happening. 

It was towards the end of 2018 when Jack received a phone call from Ryan, a friend he made at warped tour, while Payton wasn't home. Instead of letting it ring like Payton instructed, he decided to pick up. They talked casually for a bit until Jack made a comment about Payton not liking him calling people she didn’t approve of. Ryan picked up on that in a second. He pulled Jack away for just long enough to see what was going on. Later that week, Jack broke up with her, ending their almost two year relationship with her saying nobody would ever really love him.

The month following the breakup felt horrible to Jack. He cut Ryan off and started blaming himself again. Everything Payton said to him stuck, and he felt like he had hurt Payton for breaking up with her. He drank to feel numb, but at least was able to find some good friends at the bars he went to.

Those friends included Julie and Skyla. After about a month of Jack putting on a party-going, strong-guy face, he broke down to them while they were hanging out. They made him go to therapy, which Jack had completely dismissed before, and built him back up. He still hadn’t completely recovered from everything that happened, because trauma doesn't go away.

Skyla’s aunt, Thalia, happened to be a therapist, so Jack decided he would give it a try. She was a middle-aged woman who wore almost exclusively sweaters. Her office had light blue walls and more seating than a theater, decorated with little trinkets and paintings of cityscapes. She didn’t talk slowly, as if Jack was a child, like his past therapists had. She also had a german shepherd mix named Daisy, who she would occasionally bring into sessions.

The sessions were normally in a big office building across the street from a 7-Eleven. Jack was surprised at how good she was at her job. She always seemed to know if Jack just wanted to talk to get everything out or if he wanted advice. Whenever she did give Jack advice, he felt that all of it worked. The sessions moved to video calls through Google Meet when Jack had to leave LA to make  _ Wake Up, Sunshine _ .

When the band rented out a place over the summer of 2019, Jack didn't think he would be able to share his ideas. Jack had gotten into songwriting with his project WhoHurtYou with his friend Kevin, but Thalia encouraged him to share what he had written for All Time Low. 

Jack always ran his song ideas through Thalia before showing them to the band. Every time he sent one, she would always say they were good. She never lied about liking them, but she knew Jack needed the affirmation. 

One of the song ideas kept getting stuck in his throat whenever he tried to bring it up with the band. Towards the end of the trip, Alex decided he wanted one more song. Jack realized that was the last time he could get in the idea before it was lost forever.

Zakk, Alex, and Andrew were talking about ideas for the song until Jack piped up.

“I’ve actually had an idea for a while.”

Alex looked confused. “I thought you said you already sent all of your ideas to me,” he said.

“Sorry, I thought this one wasn’t as finished as the others, so I didn’t send it,” Jack said, lying through his teeth. Jack knew this one was probably more finished than all the others, he just didn’t want anybody to think anything about him because of it.

“Well, let’s see it!” Andrew said, scooting over on the couch to make room for Jack.

He began explaining that it would be almost like a story about a gay couple, but from the perspective of the couple and going through their struggles and hardships in the world. He also said he wanted it to have the line “let’s start a riot,” referring to the Stonewall Riots. Immediately after explaining, Zakk and Andrew looked excited to write it, saying it was the one, but Alex looked distant, though he nodded along with them.

They wrote the song in about three hours, and Alex already had a guitar line he thought would fit in well. As the song came along, there were no questions about it. During Jack’s video call with Thalia, he talked about the song the entire time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! i'm so sorry this is late, the next chapter will be up on time, though it's a lot shorter than usual. thank you so much stars_and_satellites for beta reading and editing this, you're the best!! i think i'm going with the quarantine route i was planning on because i have a lot more ideas for it! as always, thank you so much for reading and i hope you have an amazing day!!
> 
> -cloud


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! thank you for reading, i really appreciate it!
> 
> tw: food

9 am. Jack’s alarms were going off as he woke up. He reached for his phone, groaning until he saw the alert ‘ _ lunch date with bailey!! _ ’. He smiled at it, now feeling like he had enough energy to run a marathon.

He got out of bed and took a shower, wanting to look good for his date. Was it a date? Yeah, they said it was a date. He hopped out and threw on the clothes he decided on the day before, a leather jacket and some ripped black jeans, as well as a white long sleeve tee-shirt.

Jack went back into the bathroom, brushing his teeth and putting on deodorant. Once he finished with that, he sprayed on a bit of cologne, hoping to mask the smell for when he’d inevitably be sweating from nervousness. He left his hair alone so he could do it later and walked into his kitchen. 

Since he was in such a good mood, he decided on making pancakes. He grabbed his laptop and went to Spotify to put Britney Spears on shuffle, then searched up a recipe, and got started on the batter. After about 20 minutes, the batter was done. 

Jack grabbed blueberries from his fridge while he sang along to Circus. He took a ladle and poured some out onto the hot frying pan, sprinkling in blueberries while dancing.

Once he finished, Jack poured the batter into a tupperware container and sat down, pouring Aunt Jemima’s onto the two pancakes he made. He took a bite and was surprised by how good they were. He quickly finished eating and checked the time, 10:37.

He knew the ramen place was about 30 minutes away, so he had about two hours until he left for the date. He went through his emails to kill time, emailing the PR rep that he was out of the hospital. He turned on Netflix and put on  _ The Umbrella Academy _ , watching as Klaus smashed a snow globe on his head. 

He watched the rest of that episode and the next one, then checked the time, realizing it was a bit past 12. Jack thought about how punctual he was being as he did his hair and grabbed his keys, running out to his car.  _ I guess that’s what happens when you like someone _ , he thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this one's so short and that it's pretty late, there's a lot going on right now that has my attention, but yeah. thank you to satellites_and_stars for beta reading and editing!
> 
> -cloud


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: food, mentions of homophobia and transphobia

It was a bit before 1 when Jack was seated. He got a text from bailey after a couple of minutes of waiting.

-

Bailey: i’m gonna be there in one minute!

don’t worry! I just got here

-

Jack watched the door as Bailey walked in, waving up towards him.

Bailey was wearing dark gray jeans, a maroon sweater, and a black wool short coat. 

“Hey,” Jack said, trying to keep himself cool “you look really nice.” 

“I can say the same about you, that’s a nice jacket,” Bailey said, making Jack smile. He couldn’t remember the last time he was this infatuated with someone.

After they ordered their food, they talked about their favorite things. Jack reluctantly admitted his obsession with home alone, which Bailey actually thought was cute. Jack learned Bailey was 28, his birthday was September 31st, and he had 3 siblings.

“My little brother’s trans, actually. That's why I have the trans pin on my apron.” Bailey said proudly. It was obvious that the two were close.

“How old’s your brother?” he asked.

“He’s 24! Our moms adopted us both when I was 13 and he was 9.” bailey’s seemingly constant smile faltered a bit. “We were kicked out of our house back then. I'm so grateful for my moms, without them I don't know where I'd be.” Bailey said, smiling again.

The two talked for a while longer about, sharing their favorite stories about their families until the food came.

“So what do you do for work?” bailey asked.

“I’m actually in a band,” he said, expecting the normal look of disappointment. It’s not that often bands get famous, so he was used to it. 

Bailey, however, perked up at that “that’s so cool! I’ve done a lot of art commissions for local bands, what’s your band?”

“Wait a second, you’re an artist and you work at your aunt’s place?” he asked. Unless he was on tour, he almost never worked.

“Yeah, one job doesn’t always pay the bills. I mean, I studied to be a teacher in college, I just haven’t gotten a job at a school yet,” he said, the same solemn, wavering tone in his voice coming back. “Oh wait, you didn’t say what your band is.”

“Oh sorry, I’m in a band called All Time Low. Also, that's really cool you wanna be a teacher, though I wasn’t the best student. If I had gone to college I don't really know what I would have done.” Jack said. He didn’t normally feel like he could admit he had never gone to college outright with someone, but with Bailey, it felt like he could pour his heart out.

“Oh I want to teach elementary schoolers!” he said excitedly. “All Time Low sounds familiar, but I don't remember a band by that name commissioning from me.”

“Maybe you heard us on the radio. Do you know dear maria count me in?” Bailey nodded in response “that was us.”

Bailey looked up at Jack “you’re lying,” he said. “That’s like, a staple pop-punk song. That’s impossible.”

“Nope, look it up,” Jack said with a chuckle. Bailey tried to say that it would be rude but Jack shut it down “also make sure you look past all the stuff about the Jon Bellion song.”

“Holy shit-” bailey looked up from his phone then back down at it “that’s you. Your hair has changed though. Oh wait you had emo hair”

“Of course I did, I was in a band, er, I’m in a band. But if you didn’t have emo hair but you have an MCR pin, I don’t know if I could date you” Jack said jokingly.

“My entire high school career was extreme emo hair. Wait, I think my mom might have a picture of it on Instagram” Bailey pulled up a picture.

It was definitely him, and it was definitely emo hair. “I could never compete with that hair, wow.”

They both continued talking and finished up their food, deciding to walk around and stop into the little shops littering the streets. They walked in a comfortable silence, occasionally saying whatever was on their minds. 

“Oh! Can we stop in here,'' Bailey asked, pointing towards a book shop. The same glimmer was in his eyes as when he talked about his brother. “I’ve been meaning to get a few new books.”

“Sure,” Jack replied, going to open the door for bailey. “I’m not much of a reader, I'll check out the little trinkets and music if they have any.”

Jack followed bailey around the store, hand in hand, passing a giant display of Harry Potter books

“Oh! Wait, Bailey, my friend Alex had a harry potter themed wedding cake!” he said excitedly, then he remembered what had happened with Alex.

“Hey, you okay?” Bailey asked, noticing how Jack’s face fell.

“Yeah, we just had a bad argument recently about the band,” Jack said, squeezing Bailey’s hand lightly. “Oh, he’s the lead singer” he added, seeing the confusion on Bailey’s face disappear.

“Well, that’s a sick wedding cake, though JK rowling is kinda an asshole.” Bailey paused, looking towards Jack who looked confused. “Yeah she said some transphobic stuff and always says characters are lgbt or not white to get diversity points, then she never mentions it in the books or anything like that, based werewolves off of aids, a bunch of shit,” he explained.

“Oh that’s fucked up,” Jack responded.

They kept walking through the store, bailey picking up books when something caught Jack’s eye. 

“Bailey, look,” Jack said, showing him a mug with cat ears and a nose and mouth painted on it.

“Aw that’s so cute,” he said, “wait, how do you know I like cats?”

“You mentioned you had a cat during lunch. I’d hope you like cats if you have one,” jack said. “You didn't tell me your cat’s name though”

“Oh, his name’s lasagna,” Bailey said, smiling. “One of his ears flops down and it’s the cutest thing ever!”

“Aw, what about me?” Jack said jokingly

“You’re a close second.”

Jack held onto the mug as they continued through the store, bailey paying for his books. Bailey went to walk outside when he noticed Jack was at the register buying the mug.

“Jack, really?” Bailey asked as Jack walked towards him with the mug in a paper bag.

“What! I wanted to get you a gift!” jack said, handing bailey the bag.

“Good thing I got you something too,” Bailey said, pulling a book with a navy blue cover out of his bag. The title read  _ they both die at the end _ . “I already have this book, it’s one of my favorites.”

Jack looked at it, admiring the cover showing two people on a balcony in the moonlight. “The title’s pretty spoiler-y, but I promise I’ll read it,” he said, making Bailey’s eyes get the same glimmer as before.

Eventually, they decided to head home and started walking back to the ramen shop hands clasped together again.

“Are you a kiss on the first date kind of guy?” Bailey asked as they were about to reach their cars.

“Depends, are you?” Jack responded.

“As long as you want to.”

They both stopped by the parking meters, looking at each other in the blue light of the ramen shop’s open sign. The sun was about to set over the buildings in the distance. 

Jack only knew Bailey for a couple of days, but it already felt like they’d known each other for years. He put the book on the hood of his car and reached down to hold Bailey’s face in his hands, admiring his eyes. In the faint light, he could see a streak of blue in his brown eye. Jack leaned forward until their noses touched, life standing still for a moment. He closed the inch between them, connecting their lips. He could only focus on bailey, his lips warm, contrasting from bailey’s cold lip ring against Jack’s lips. It felt like someone had set off a firecracker in Jack’s heart, and everything he had been thinking about was gone. It was like they were the only two people in the world.

Jack couldn't tell who pulled away first, he was just smiling at Bailey softly. He rested his forehead on the other’s, focusing on the tingly feeling Bailey’s breath on left his lips. Bailey shifted up to his tiptoes and gave Jack a peck on the lips, surprising him.

“One for the road,” he said, unlatching his hands from behind jack’s neck, the bags from the book store dragging across his back. 

They pulled apart and split off to go to their cars

“Talk later?” Jack asked, still in a lovestruck daze.

“Yeah,” Bailey said, equally as spacey.

Jack got into his car, setting the book on the passenger seat, but didn’t turn the car on, he just stared out at the stars, which were just beginning to show, not knowing Bailey was doing the same, but looking out at the setting sun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry it's taken me so long to update this. I've had it written out for a while, I just never got around to editing. I'll be trying my best to update as much as I can, but no promises  
> -cloud

**Author's Note:**

> ok hi y'all! so you may have already realized but idk if this will be jalex. Thank you so much for reading, and a big thank you to @Satellites_and_Stars for beta reading this, I'm so grateful for you!!
> 
> -cloud


End file.
